An Amalgam of Things

No one likes being unfollowed on Twitter. Well, some people do, but they belong to the New Wave of masochism. I bet you’re all wondering how to consistently maintain your follower base. Well, you’re in luck! I present to you: the ten sure-fire ways to NOT lose your Twitter followers.

1. Be conventionally attractive. Have pimples? Photoshop them out in your display picture. If you don’t have Photoshop, just do a Google Image search for ‘model’ and pass someone else off as yourself. You see, some people are on Twitter for the sole aim of getting inside other people’s pants. NEVER upload Twitpics captioned ‘no make-up’ or ‘just woke up’. People will vomit forcefully into their breakfast before clicking ‘unfollow’.

2. Don’t have opinions, AT ALL. Limit yourself to facts and/or descriptions. E.g. Instead of “Michael Bay is an atrocious director” you should tweet…actually, bad example. There is too much truth in that opinion. What I’m saying is that most of your tweets should be mere observations. E.g. “I am sitting on a brown couch”; “There is a clock on my wall. It has two hands—three if you count the second hand”; “I am out of margarine”. Some people abhor subjectivity in others. They will unfollow you if your opinions are not analogous with theirs.

3. Limit your tweets to one per month. There are people out there who will unfollow you if you tweet a lot. The definition of ‘a lot’ varies from person to person, so it’s safest to tweet once per month (or once per year if you’re the paranoid type). If you adopt this approach, you have to be careful about what you tweet. For example, if you’re diagnosed with a terminal illness, don’t tweet about it. Your followers will have to wait a WHOLE MONTH just to find out if you’re still alive. Of course, you can cheat by using twitlonger.com, but some people hate links in their timeline, and may unfollow you for it.

4. Follow EVERYONE back. Some people get really frustrated when their following of you is not reciprocated. You don’t want to risk being unfollowed, do you? SO FOLLOW THEM BACK! This goes for every single account that follows you. Spambots? Follow them back. Members of the Westboro Baptist Church? Follow them back. People who can’t differentiate between your and you’re? You better believe you’re following them back! You see, it doesn’t matter if you like their tweets. They followed you on Twitter, which is a BIG DEAL, so the kind thing to do is return the favour.

5. Never tweet about trivial problems, and ESPECIALLY avoid the #firstworldproblems hashtag. Did you know you’re not allowed to care about anything except world poverty and hard-hitting current affairs in the political arena? I’m serious. It’s in the Twitter guidelines somewhere (I think). Car broke down? Not important. Almost drowned after a surfing accident? Pfft, grow some fucking balls. Oh, and NEVER tweet things like “There’s no chocolate in my house. FML!” or “Want to change the channel but can’t reach the remote :(“, or you will be unfollowed so hard your shadow will instantly disappear.

6. Reply to EVERY SINGLE tweet on your timeline. This rule is similar to #4. People crave attention, and if you don’t reply to a tweet like “Going to the shops!”, they’ll assume you want them dead. So…the right thing to do is enquire “Ohhhh, exciting! What’s on your shopping list?” The person who typed the original tweet will feel validated as a human being.

7. Make reference to Justin Bieber or One Direction AT LEAST five times a week (this will be tough if you staunchly follow rule #3). You see, everyone is a closet Belieber or Directioner these days. The old lady who catches your bus each morning? Yeah, she loves ‘em. Your chiropractor? Absolute fanatic! Twitter is a haven for fandoms to blossom. You never know how many of your followers are DYING to tweet “notice me justin. ur music defines me xoxox”. If you even imply that Justin Bieber or One Direction are devoid of talent, you will be unfollowed from Twitter, and possibly from life itself.

8. Don’t swear. At all. Did you know swearing makes you Adolf Hitler incarnate? I don’t care if you saved someone’s life. If you swore in the process, you deserve to be shot. It is at this point I ask you to disregard all previous swear words in this set of guidelines. My fingers slipped, or something. Seriously, Twitter is a place of grace and genteel refinement. If you swear, people will judge you so severely; they will unfollow you straight to Hell (oops, is Hell a swear word? Y/N?)

9. Don’t live-tweet television shows. By all means, live-tweet the hysterectomy of your aunty’s best friend’s cousin, but television is a no-go zone. Forget the notion that Twitter is a powerful social media tool that blurs the geographic boundaries between our lounge rooms. MORE LIKE ANTISOCIAL MEDIA; AMIRITE!? You are not allowed to live-tweet television shows on the grounds that it is simply too annoying. It doesn’t matter how much you love the show. It’s guaranteed that other people despise it, and that’s YOUR problem, so deal with it.

10. Constantly tell all of your followers how great they are, even if they’re not. Some examples: “You’re better than that Simpsons episode where Bart gets an elephant”; “I want to go to your house and marvel at your stunning array of neckties”; “Your name is Richard, right? With the addition of a comma, an anagram of your name is “Rad, rich.” You should feel special, bro!” People need to feel valued, and sometimes following someone back or replying to their tweets isn’t enough. You have to compliment them until their smile is so wide it extends past their face and falls off.

Note: This is a satirical piece

This is a poem I wrote for uni.

We’re competing to see who cares more

To see whose tears are quicker to hit the floor

Share this video!

Become an activist!

Or perhaps don’t, and become Satan incarnate

You think you’ve got the world sussed out because

For thirty minutes, you were a slave to sentimentalism

Ignorant to the tenets of philanthropic fundamentalism

It won’t take you long

To return to your cocoon of apathy

To let this fad slip out of the recesses of your mind

To again become passive

To the perils of humankind

When you realise the reality

Of weeping children; of corrupted souls

I hope the guilt overwhelms you

I hope it punctures holes

And when Whitney died

You were her biggest fan

You crafted tweets to show your admiration

And her lyrics became your new fixation

But you didn’t know her

You weren’t her soulmate

She wasn’t your spirit animal

So when her back catalogue finishes downloading

Don’t paint yourself as the supreme authority

You think you belong to an exclusive niche

But you really belong to the majority

Where were you when she won her Grammys?

Were you listening to your second-rate hip hop?

Confined in your room

A brooding misanthrope?

Empathy

Sympathy

These things occur naturally

They are organic, not mechanical

You cannot monopolise benevolence

You cannot be tyrannical

This is not a contest

There are no ribbons; no trophies

No medals; no applause

Your feigned compassion is just one lost cause

So you can drop the act

Your cute, endearing facade

Do not betray your true self

And let your dignity be scarred

If you bottled up the energy

You spent manufacturing concern

And focused it on things for which you yearn

You might be able to smile

On your deathbed

And when you die

The mourners will surround your corpse

Who loved you the most?

I did

No, you did

We all did, of course!

An Amalgam of Things

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How NOT to be Unfollowed on Twitter

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Disingenuous Sentiment - A Poem